God’s ways our higher than our ways. This is often a hard pill to swallow. It often causes us a lot of pain, a lot of confusion, a lot of asking the question “why?”. Why God? Why did you allow this to happen, or why did you remove that person form my life, or why did I lose my job? We sometimes, find ourselves feeling alone, and left to our own understanding. Oh, we of little faith. We have to remember. God’s ways, or not our ways, and they are always higher than ours. And we often do not understand them right away.
I have been in one of those seasons. Those seasons of asking why, questioning. Hurting, crying, trying to understand. But tonight, I had my ah ha moment. That moment when you finally see God’s hand in a situation, when finally start to see the pieces being put together, when you finally start to see God coming through for you.
You see ever since I was a little girl, probably before I could walk, or even talk at that. I had one dream. To be a mommy. As most of you know, cause I’ve mentioned it a lot. It’s been a desire of my heart for as long as I can remember. So as you can imagine (and know) when I found out that I had to have a hysterectomy.. I was devastated! I literally sat in a white, cold exam room and listened to my doctor say.. “this is a must”, and my dreams, desires, hopes, of the future crashed down around me. At first, I was kind of numb. I was focused on the cancer part of the whole ordeal. But then, after the surgery (cause it all happened pretty quick) the cancer was no longer an issue, so then the real hurting began. I was hurting, I was angry. I was angry at God, for allowing this to happen. Why.. was a question a asked often.
But like God always does, He takes care of me, and He started to send people my way, to show me He is faithful, that He does have a plan, and that He knows best. But I was angry, I was hurting, and I really didn’t want to hear it. But then he brought someone into my life, that He pretty much knew I would listen to. And this guy, was able to break through a little, talk some realization into me. I don’t know, he started to make it click, it’s like he knew what to say, and how to say it to make comfort me in away, no one else was able to do. And at the exact right time! But, I still struggled, I still hurt, but I found myself become less and less angry at God, and found myself starting to see that maybe God does have a plan. One I may not understand. God used this very wise friend, to start showing me His ways. I sit back and think to myself sometimes, “WOW” because God placed this person in my life over 30 years ago, in a little Kindergarten class. I have forgotten pretty much every single kid in that class but three. Three who made an impression on my life. And 30 years ago.. God knew He was going to use that boy to get through to me! See how God works?
And then I did my DNA. Something I’ve been saying I was going to do for years! But never did. Until here recently. Once again timing is everything! Because while I was still hurting, I was no longer angry. Those walls were broken down, thanks to my friend, and this opened up a door, my eyes, to more healing. Everything happens for a reason, and order. God knew this! I just had to be patient, and wait. And He pretty much sealed the deal, with these DNA results. It wasn’t until I ran them through other sites, sites that tested your DNA and genes for diseases that you are prone to, that I really seen some of God’s bigger picture. That I really seen that sometimes God has to break you a little bit, to keep you from getting hurt, a hurt even more painful than what you suffered. The diseases that I’m prone to, wasn’t nearly as scary as the diseases I’m a carrier for. Genes I could pass onto my children, had I had them. A lot of big medical words were thrown around, but with the help of google, it pretty much left me speechless! And I found myself thanking God, thanking Him for sparing me a great potential heart break in the near future. Sometimes God has to remove things, for our benefit (no pun intended there). God is forever faithful, in all His ways. Sometimes His way hurt us, but there is always a reason! Always. God’s ways our always higher than our own ways!
This has been a rough season for me, it’s lasted way too long. But I’m finally at peace. And I am OK with this! I trust God, He knows what He is doing. He’s in control, He doesn’t need a co-pilot at least not me. That’s how our lives crash and burn anyway. Right?