Today, I came across this picture..
I actually read it, and then re-read it, and then read it again. I liked the message, I liked what it said, but most of all I liked the fact that when I read it, my heart didn’t ache like it use it. I didn’t feel that sting of pain in my heart like I use it. I realized how much I have grown, and got over these past few months. It was in that moment I smiled and said to myself.. “yeah I’m over him, and I’m ready to move on”.
You see two months ago these kind of updates hurt my heart. I literally mean hurt my heart. Well at least it seemed like that. When I read them I would almost cry. I couldn’t see the good in what was happening. All I seen was the pain, the feelings of rejection, the “what went wrongs” and the feeling that he must have moved on. By the way, his name is Travis. He has a name, and while I’ve refrained from actually calling him by his name. I’m going to now, he’s Travis. And he broke my heart. And a few months ago, I thought my life was coming to an end. When I say that my heart hurt, I mean it felt like it literally hurt. I fell for this guy, and I fell hard! I tried my best to show him this through my words, through my gestures, I wanted him to see what a wonderful, great, beautiful, caring woman I was, and how if he would just give me a chance he would not be sorry. I wanted to be his best friend, the one he turned to when things were going bad, or he just needed to talk. I wanted to be involved in his life. But he did not me. He never said it, he didn’t have to. He showed me through his actions. You know they say actions speak louder than words, that is very true. At least in this situation it was. You’ve all seen the pictures floating around that says when someone wants you in their lives you’ll know. They will text, call, invite you to do things, put you in their lives. You won’t have to fight for it. Or something along those lines. Yes, the picture alone pretty much sums up what Travis was NOT doing! He didn’t want me in his life, the way I wanted him. I do believe he liked hanging out with me, when there was no one else to hang out with, but he didn’t want much more than that. He never verbally said it, but he didn’t have to. His actions spoke it loud and clear. And I was too caught up in wanting him to see me in a certain light. That I neglected to see him. The real Travis. I was blind. And I got hurt.
But we all have a breaking point. A point where we say no more. I can’t do this anymore and I got to that point. I realized, after a text message from him that really hurt me, that no matter what I did, or how I tried to prove my self worth to Travis, he was never going to see me the way I hoped. He was never going to change, and I could no longer live like this. I deserved better. Cause by this time, I was being hurt,and unhappy a whole lot more than being happy. He seemed to be really pulling away more than, than ever. So I just stopped contacting him. I didn’t text him, nothing. Now I’ll be honest, at the time I was seeing if he would contact me, if he would chase me. He didn’t. I haven’t texted him. He hasn’t texted me. It was like a 30 year friendship, and several months of spending a lot of time together.. boiled down to nothing. And when I realized that he really did not care, that he really did not care if he lost me. That I meant nothing to him at all. It hurt. It hurt so bad. Like I mentioned. I felt like my heart hurt. I believe I cried myself to sleep every night for a month.I would cry on my way to work, and on my way home. I tried to put on a smile, and look happy. But for those who knew me well, knew better. Some said “he’ll contact you, he won’t let you go” In which I replied “NO I’ll never hear from him again. He’s done with me” Others said “Let him go he’s not worth it, he didn’t treat you right and you deserve better”.
I won’t lie. I would check my phone a lot, hoping to see a text, and when I would get a text , my heart would beat fast, and I would get all nervous, and then disappointed when it wasn’t him. I spent a lot of time fighting off the urge to contact him, and a lot of time praying he would contact me. But with time, things got a little more easy. I found that I wasn’t crying as much, I changed my cell phone number, and deleted his number, I deleted my old social media accounts, made new ones, and didn’t add him. And overtime my heart started to heal, and I started to realize that I was so blind, that this man who I tried so hard to connect with, who I tried to make see me, I wasn’t seeing. Funny how you will see things you never did before, once you removed them from your life. It was a cleanse, and one I needed. To be honest with you, I’m shocked I got over him as fast as I did. Seriously, even though some of you may be thinking “THANK GOD!!!” lol.
I’m now thankful I was strong enough to break free! To break free of Travis! I do not care if I lost a friend, because he didn’t make me feel good. He hurt me. He broke my heart. I’m thankful I pulled away when I did, even though at the time it was one of the most hard and painful thing I ever did. I’m happy I was able, and I am able to see how not so good he was for me, and how much better off I am now.
Sometimes it takes erasing messages, deleting numbers, and social media accounts to move on. And I highly recommend it. You will not regret it.